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“My leader is a jerk.”
“My leader doesn’t get it.”
“My leader hates me.”
Whether it’s one of the statements above or something else, these are common things that I get asked. They all come down to the same thing, you and your leader are not getting along for whatever reason.
Perhaps you are trying to implement a change at work that you clearly see as beneficial but your stubborn leader just refuses to see your perspective. Maybe your leader is taking some of the credit for your work in meetings. Or perhaps you believe your leader is just trying to make you fail because of genuine hatred towards you.
Work is a big part of our lives so it’s understandable why a difficult relationship at work with a leader can cause stress, tension, and anxiety that spills from the work world into your personal world.
The question then becomes, what do you do?
I’ve always believed that any individual has 6 choices they can pursue.
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Do nothing and suffer.
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Focus on your performance and wait it out.
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Try to fix it.
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Leave the company.
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Move to another team.
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Complain to HR or to your bosses boss.
Let’s dive into each one in more detail so that you can determine the best course of action.
Do nothing and suffer
Choosing to remain passive and endure the situation can feel like the path of least resistance, especially when confronting the issue directly seems daunting or even career-threatening. Usually people take this path as a result of fear, job security concerns, or the belief that their efforts will be futile. However, think about the long-term negative impacts this can have on you both professionally and personally. Not only will you become disengaged at work and lose confidence in yourself and your abilities but you will also dread going into work and feel that pit in your stomach each morning when your alarm goes off. I used to work for a company like this and it was absolutely terrible. Needless to say, this is the path I least recommend. Doing nothing is the absolute worst thing you can do.
Focus on your performance and wait it out
This might seem similar to the option above but with a huge difference. Instead of doing nothing you channel your frustrations into focusing on performance and doing the best possible job you can do. The emphasis is on controlling what is within your reach. I’ve interviewed several CEOs on my podcast over the years who have told me they were in this type of a situation earlier on in their careers. They focused on doing the best job possible and everyone around them started to notice. Eventually, their leader was fired or moved on and these CEOs were able to move up. It’s because they stayed focused on their performance that they were able to to become successful. This approach requires resilience and the ability to mentally separate yourself from the negative environment, using the time to build upon your skills and personal growth.
Try to fix it
If you believe that you are in a relationship worth fighting for then that’s exactly what you need to do. Fight like hell to make it work. Initiating a dialogue can be a proactive and constructive way to address the problem. While it may feel intimidating, offering your leader respectful and constructive feedback could lead to positive changes. An example of this approach might involve requesting a meeting to discuss your concerns, expressing your feelings using “I” statements to avoid blaming. For example “I feel ashamed and embarrassed when you criticize me in front of the team.” I find that most of the time, leaders are not bad people who want to see you fail. Perhaps they are scared for their own job at work, maybe they were just taught differently, or perhaps they aren’t even aware they are treating you poorly. Don’t assume your leader is a bad person. Having an open dialogue where you try to fix the issues can really go a long way.
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Leave the company
Life is short, and working for a leader who is making you miserable isn’t worth it. My mom used to work for a leader like this many years ago. I witnessed first-hand how she would come home from work crying and feeling so upset and dejected that she didn’t even want to step foot into her office. But she kept going like this for years until finally my dad convinced her to quit. She made a huge career pivot from being a computer programmer to being a marriage and family therapist with a masters degree. Leaving your company is certainly a bold move, but sometimes necessary for preserving one’s well-being and future career prospects. While it may feel like a failure, think of it as a strategic move towards a healthier work environment where you are valued and respected. If you do decide to leave, try to do so on good terms.
Move to another team
Sometimes, a seemingly insurmountable conflict or personality clash with a leader can be best addressed by simply changing your environment – that is, by transferring to another team within the same organization. This can often provide a fresh start and the opportunity to work under a different leadership style that might be more aligned with your values and working style. Sometimes it can feel like all of the other pieces of the puzzle are fitting perfectly…if only you could just get a new leader, well maybe you can. According to Gallup, internal job changes can lead to higher job satisfaction, increased performance, and reduced turnover rates. The familiarity with the company’s culture, policies, and operations can make the transition smoother compared to starting at a new company. Identify potential teams that you’d like to join, perhaps those where you have skills that could be beneficial or where you see opportunities for growth. Research the leaders of these potential teams. Do they have a leadership style that you feel would better suit you? Talk to team members, if possible, to get a better understanding of the team dynamics and leadership. It could be the fresh start you need to reignite your passion and commitment to your work.
Complain to HR or to your bosses boss
HR can be your friend in many situations but not always. A family member used to work for a technology organization with an abusive leader. This leader was a bit of a bully who yelled at her, took credit for her work, and put her down in front of others. She liked the company she was working for and so this family member did what anyone in that situation would do. She wrote a letter to the head of HR describing the situation. It turns out the head of HR was really good friends with this particular leader and so nothing ended up happening. In fact, this actually led to her ultimately leaving the company with the head of HR saying “I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors.” If you raise the issue to HR or your bosses boss, the worst thing that can happen is you will end up going back to one of the previous options which is “leave the company.” Escalating the issue is sometimes a necessary step when dealing with a difficult leader. It’s an appropriate course of action when you’ve exhausted all personal attempts at resolution.
Approaching your boss’s boss requires tact. This higher-up will likely have a closer relationship with your leader, which could influence their perspective. Stick to facts, avoid emotional language, and be ready to suggest potential solutions. The goal here is not to undermine your immediate boss, but to show concern about how this relationship affects your work, the team’s morale, and, consequently, the company’s success.
To recap, the 6 options you have are:
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Do nothing and suffer.
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Focus on your performance and wait it out.
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Try to fix it.
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Leave the company.
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Move to another team.
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Complain to HR or to your bosses boss.
The absolute worst thing you can do is option 1 (do nothing and suffer). I’m a big believer and proponent of action. You can also view these 5 options as a type of hierarchy. First you can do nothing and see if the issue resolves, then you can try focusing on your performance and using the tension as fuel for success. If that doesn’t work you can confront your leader and have an open discussion with them. If that also fails you can try moving to another team, having a discussion with HR or your bosses boss, or if all else fails, leave the company.
I’d love to hear from you, would you add something else to this list? Have you done any of the above?
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